I’m going to share something that most women would be very
scared to do. In fact, it’s something
that you’re usually told not to share at all.
A page from my diary.
(9-30-89)
Today is my birthday party! I got a last of suffy! Will by, Oh! My neam is Janet Brinkmann
Ok, it’s the first entry from the diary I received at my 8th
birthday party. Not exactly the
scandalous entry you may have been thinking it would be.
But writing in a diary – or “journaling” as you call it once
you can spell correctly and have a driver’s license – is something I’ve done
for a long time. As I flipped through
this first diary in the basement this morning, I saw entries about spelling
bees in elementary school, going to camp during the summers, who liked who in
our Sunday school youth group, etc. The
last entry in this particular book was from 1998 – a full 9 years from that
first innocent entry.
I took a break from journaling during high school; no
particular reason I just think I didn’t see a value in it. I picked it back up again in college. I remember sitting in my dorm room that first
night with all these thoughts and emotions and picked up a journal I had
received as a graduation gift.
There’s a journal for each of my four years at Texas
A&M. I attempted to write every day
and came pretty close to that goal.
They’re filled with the thoughts of someone struggling with organic
chemistry, getting their first apartment, wondering who will be her date to the
next football game, and yes, the accounts of a first love and heartache.
It’s a neat little time capsule to have now, to see how
something so tragic to my 19 year-old self is now so silly. Years definitely bring perspective. And reading entries again can bring me back
so clearly to the time when I wrote them; how I was feeling and dealing with
whatever was going on at the time – good or bad.
I took another little journaling break and picked it back up
when my now loving husband (well, he’s always been loving, he just wasn’t my
husband at that time) gave me a beautiful leather bound journal for a
Valentine’s Day gift.
I wrote in it for a while, then tapered off. Perhaps I didn’t feel there was anything
truly note worthy going on in the life of a recent college graduate. Then we got engaged. J I started writing again on the 26th
of each month from engagement to wedding (our wedding was the 26th
of May). Writing monthly allowed me to
give myself grace if I was busy or didn’t think there was anything to
share. It also gave me a goal to think
of something at least once a month to
write about. I wrote for a few months
after we were married in 2007, but nothing very consistent.
Looking through that journal, there’s a shift in time from a
very recent newlywed in Texas to a woman on a job-search in Missouri. Part of me wishes that were more entries
during that time, as I know there was a lot going on, but alas. There are a smattering of entries about
finally finding a job (in an area new to me at the time but one I can to enjoy
and thrive in), running my first marathon, and enjoying life as a homeowner in
Missouri. Then I got pregnant.
Again, I wanted something consistent to document and
remember my thoughts and feelings during that time as we prayed for and grew
excited for the baby that would be joining our family. I wrote pretty frequently and included an
entry after each doctor’s appointment.
Once Caleb came on July 6th – he’ll be TWO this year – I was sitting at home
holding him in my arms thinking about the day he came. I didn’t want to forget a thing about his first few days, so I picked up another journal I
received as a shower gift and started writing an entry for each of his days of
life thus far – I think he was 5 or 6 days old at the time. The cover of that journal has a bible verse
on it: This is the day which the LORD hath made; we will rejoice & be glad
in it (Psalm 118:24). What a perfect
verse for a new mom; not every day is good, not every day makes you want to
rejoice, but the Lord has gifted that day to us regardless.
There is a journal entry for each day of Caleb’s first
year. It spans two books – a two volume
set – since I ran out of room in the first.
Some of written by me, some by dad.
Some include stats from doctor’s appointments, others are a cartoon
depiction of the day (usually drawn by daddy).
When I was expecting Emily, I again picked up my journal and
wrote after each doctor’s appointment. I
started rereading entries from my first pregnancy which helped me remember what
was coming next, or what I was feeling at the stage of pregnancy the first time
around.
Emily now has a daily journal that I started for her. I bought a three pack of journals, knowing
that I would likely fill more than one, and one is now being used as a coloring
book for big brother. J She will have
an entry for each day of her first year as well. And, Clayton wants to keep the book that
Caleb is scribbling and drawing in once it is filled, so I suppose that will be
his first journal.
So… why all this writing about journaling? Well, I think it’s a great thing to do and
wanted to share my thoughts with you all.
It’s cathartic. It allows you to
put to paper your thoughts, fears, prayers, etc. Some people have a prayer journal. Something that keeps them accountable to the
prayers they’re lifting up for others and themselves. I’ve been in Bible studies that when it comes
time to share prayer requests, ladies pull out their tattered journals to write
down the prayers of their sisters.
Some people write daily, monthly, or just whenever they feel
the need/desire too. As you can see,
I’ve done a little bit of all of that.
Journaling has helped give me so much perspective. With a second child now, I can go back to
Caleb’s journal and his entries help normalize whatever is going on with her at
this age. “Oh yeah, he wasn’t sleeping through the night yet”…
or, “when did he start sleeping in the crib?”… or, “what was his first food
again?” All those things I might not
otherwise remember, and thanks to my journal, I don’t have too.
It also allows me to remember that verse from Psalms about
rejoicing in the day. There have been
many times I sit in bed in the evening and have to stop and think about my day
and try to find something to write
about. Maybe there was something big
that’s easy to identify; the first time my baby smiled, or rolled over, or peed
on daddy’s foot (it happened recently pre-bath). But maybe there wasn’t something big. I think I appreciate those days more; I have
to sit and reflect and usually come up with something that, while not “big,” is
just as wonderful and joyous as another.
I will leave with this.
I allow myself grace. Yes, I want
to write a journal entry for each day of Emily’s first year. And I will.
Did I wake up this morning while everyone else slept and catch up on
three days worth of entries? Yes. Grace.
If I miss a day, or two, or several, that’s okay. I just pick it up the next time I have a
moment.
So… consider giving journaling a try. You might like it.
And I’ll really leave you with this; a picture of my little
loves. Because I’m their mom and can do
that. J
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